Stuff, Wotsits and Thingies

Ticketbasturdz stealin’ ma ink!

// November 25th, 2009 // 18 Comments » // Uncategorized

Maybe I’m just bit of stingey bastard – but coloured ink cartridges ain’t cheap. I buy ink every now and then and it seems to disappear in a blink. So I just go without for a while, and eventually get around to buying some more. And then I try not to use it unless I really need to, rare commodity that it is in these tough times. I doubt I’m alone in that ink buying cycle.

And then ticketbastards come along and steal my last bit of ink. With Ads. FUCKING ADS. They even state that the whole page must be printed – with the ads sandwiched between the two barcodes. I think it’s fucking scandalous. I can’t even remember picking a print-my-own-tickets option. And THEY charge ME €4.20 service charge per page. I should be charging them. They’re not even for me. They’re for a mate with no credit card / computer. I already knew they were bastards but this is really taking the piss.

142,000 search results for the word TICKETBASTARDS. That’s really saying something.

Print fun

// November 24th, 2009 // No Comments » // art, design, photos

I haven’t really done much print design but the Missus had her 40th a couple of weeks ago and I had a bit of fun printing a few things for the party. Got a bit carried away actually, it was almost like a branded event in the end. I did invitations, a kid’s t-shirt, a window decal, stickers and a bib! Mostly via cafepress.

Will code for cake

// November 19th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Got a dose of good and bad Karma one day a couple of weeks ago. The doorbell rang and this mysterious package was delivired in person, with instructions to leave it in the fridge for the day:

So exactly 24 hours later, I unwrapped the package…

Oooh chocolate biscuit cake. Mysterious lady with your mysterious package, you know me so well!

And with that I broke the eject button on the camera and the memory card got stuck. So two weeks later and a I pair of pliars here’s a late post to say thanks a mil to Jo. I really did very little to help with http://friendsofbreastfeeding.blogspot.com/ but it was worth every single bite. Thanks!

Photoshop disaster

// November 13th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // photoshop

Funny. If you go to http://www.rte.ie/arts/2009/0302/nichofaighb.html you can see Bláthnaid Ni Chofaigh and her evil Photoshop twin side by side. (Depending on which banner is currently showing )

Costa Rican Ricky

// October 30th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized, photos

I was going to do a quick Photo Friday post and had a look through my flickr and came to this one:

But every photo has a story. That’s Ricky on the right, and his apprentice on the left. Ricky is a guide. He brought us through a Costa Rican jungle pointing out different insects, birds and animals. What you can eat, what can eat you, that kind of thing. Our very own Ray Mears. I absolutely loved it. Great day. The highlight of the honeymoon. Here’s some more pics from that day:

And here’s a photo of the treehouse we stayed in. (http://www.costaricatreehouse.com) which was fantastic.

See: Full Honeymoon flickr set for more.

Friday links on Saturday

// October 24th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Was going to post this yesterday but never got to finish it.

Giant Seagull walks behind news anchor

Peter Serafinowicz cracks me up. Whether you use Twitter or not check out http://twitter.com/serafinowicz.

• “My great uncle was so stubborn, when he died, he left a won’t.”
• “Cling-film = Ghost-foil”
• “What part of ‘understand’ don’t you comprehend?”
• These days, Scooby Doo’s pal is known as ‘Saggy’

And I love Anthony Hopkins recalling his favourite moments from The Excorcist

Jon LaJoie has been doing the rounds again recently. Maybe because he was on rudetube last week. His Regular Everyday Normal guy is great:

And finally The drunkest guy ever gets remixed:

The Shining

// October 17th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

What a masterpiece. I’m sure when I saw this as a younglet I enjoyed the story, and Kudos to Stephen King for that. Or maybe I just enjoyed the ’scary movie’. But I’ve seen it many times since and relished in the craftmanship. Nicholson is stunning, that’s a given. But the imagery and soundtrack combine as a total feast for the senses. Utterly compelling. A real work of art. Kubrick deserves to be right up there with Rembrandt if you ask me.

Not surprising that that iconic image is one of the first things I painted years ago.

Ouch!

// October 8th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized, random

Haven’t listened to New Forms in years but took it out recently and remebered that the CD always looks like a cartoon character who just got a kick in the nuts.

Which reminds me, the icon on power buttons, always look like an icon for someone giving the finger.

image borrowed from www.contrast.ie

So remember, next time you go to turn something off, it’s giving you the finger!

The great sugar experiment of 2009

// September 23rd, 2009 // 10 Comments » // Uncategorized

As I’m sure you’ve all long suspected, sachet’s of sugar are not quite what they purport to be; a spoonful of sugar. Here at Braine labs, we took 12 typical specimens and measured them up against the real deal, a spoonful of sugar. Some did better than others but not a single one contained as much sweetness as a proper spoonful. Let’s survey the evidence.

Not quite as obvious spoon by spoon, but add them all up and put them side to side…

Yes my friends. As you suspected, there is only about half A SUGAR in most sachets. They’re trying to trick that sweet sweet tooth of yours, it’s nothing but a ruse!

So the next time you’re in the canteen making a nice brew, and you’ve just poured two sachets into your cuppa… and someone goes “OOH OOH, Two sugars! Ugh. How can you!?”. You can say “Oi! No! That’s ONE sugar! I take it you haven’t heard of the great sugar experiment of 2009 yet? No? Well let me show you, but first allow me to stick this spoon up your judgemental crack and see how sweet you look.“

Nom nom

// September 21st, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Anna loves her nom nom. Always asking for it. Her first words were pretty much NOM NOM NOM NOM. Tried to get a better video of it but this’ll do.

Travors minus Travors

// September 18th, 2009 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized, photoshop

See original.

See original.

See original.

See original.

See original.

See original.

I wonder what percentage of you won’t have a clue what this is about. You have seen Garfield minus Garfield haven’t you?

The great quest

// September 10th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

I walked for many miles, with aching bones, creaking below my now lesser mass. Eventually my destination peaked over the horizon and gave me hope. The journey was shorter than it seemed, but it weighed heavy on my weary soul. As I grew closer my legs gave way. I crawled through the entrance and collapsed upon the canvas floor.

For a moment in time, I didn’t stir. The eve before,  slumber seemed but just a blink, sleep had merely kissed these pallid cheeks but woke me with the brush of her sweet lips.

And now, the evening after, near the end of my great quest, she embraced me, but no! I couldn’t sleep now. My mission wasn’t over, only midway. I clutched the treasure to my bosom, then placed it within my satchel. At last the child would receive the sacred cloth and be at peace.

I battled many demons on my way back. I had to step over some bodies who didn’t make it. A time later, at the end of my long  journey, I reached the queen.  And the child. The queen, who could not partake in the massive journey, for she was with child once again, eagerly sought the treasure with her eyes. It was only then that I realised, with a dawning horror that the sacred cloth was missing it’s counterpart, and would not pacify the child.

“BALLSACKS! I forgot the FUCKING wipes! Jesus! Yes I got the nappy! but I left the fucking wipes in the tent. FUCK!”

And so it was, we started the epic journey of aching legs, from the far end of Electric picnic to the campsite. I changed the nappy, got kids ready for bed. Got ready for bed myself.

And she says to me “What d’you think you’re doing!?”

“Climbing into that sleeping bag, before I collapse from sleep deprivation, and way too much walking for an unfit fucker like me!”

“What about Madness? You really wanted to see Madness!”

“There’s no way I’m going back out there! I told you, that was an epic journey for me!”

But  I was eventually convinced to put my wellies and my coat back on and traipse back out there.

I trundled on like a zombie, with aching limbs. “Gotta go to Madnesss, gotta go to Madness. gotta go to Madness”.

And THAT is how I managed to miss what by all accounts sounded like, a brilliant extravaganza of musical fun; Chic.

But I had a one track mind. Gotta go to Madness. Gotta go to Madness.

This is the song I walked by at the time.

Yes you read correctly. I could see and hear that but still kept walking, repeating the Madness mantra, and made it to the main stage. And that was that!

Madness were good fun too. But I had to endure 40 minutes waiting for the hits, when I could have been freaking out to Chic!

Incidentally, the highlight of my weekend was the having-the-craic type Galway band The Timber Tramps, and singing along to great covers like Personal Jesus. Maybe I’ll justgo to Galway next year.

Great expectations

// September 2nd, 2009 // 1 Comment » // films

United 93 was on telly tonight. I can remember being blown away by this movie when it came out. For me, expectation can really make or break or a movie. This was a year that I had an unlimited ticket to UCG, and I’d often just walk in and take a chance on something that looked good and started soon.

That day was slim pickings, I went for what I thought was the best of a bad bunch. It was also what I thought would be some crap schmaltzy 911 hero movie. But I was completely taken by surprise.

No schmaltz. Very minimal but effective score. Very realistic acting. No big stars, and a lot of the airport controllers were the real thing, not actors. A few even played  themselves, including the main flight control guy, Ben Sliney who’s great in it.

And the tension very slowly but greatly builds, I can remember feeling like I was on that plane by the end. And was almost in shock come the ultimatum. Brilliant movie.

Doesn’t quite have the same impact on a small screen and the intrusions that come with it. And if you haven’t seen it yet I’ve probably spoilt it just by telling you how great it is.

Map of Africa

// August 27th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // music

I’m very surprised I never hear any mention of this album, Map of Africa by Map of Africa. I’ve had it a couple of years now and it’s been my staple driving album all that time. I’m not too sure what makes good driving music but this is great in the car.

It’s psychedelic funky rock, but I’d bet my bottom dollar these guys earned their chops on the electronic side of the park before going anywhere near a guitar or microphone. For some reason it always reminds me of Apocalypse Now; just as he’s chugging down the river, with strange birds chirping and something other lurking in the shadows, this would be the perfect soundtrack.

The lyrics sizzle too;

Dirty Lovin’
“Once or maybe twice a day
Dirty lovin’ baby it’s okay,
I like it straight around the bend,
Enough for me and both my friends”

Plastic Surgery
And I look more like my daugther
Then a dirty old man oughta
Cos I’ve had plastic surgery

These aren’t the best two tracks, they’re the only two I could find.

Not much about them on the web, their myspace page is as dead as their record label.

I love this flyer

// August 24th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Spot the frisbee

// August 19th, 2009 // 22 Comments » // photoshop, random

Spot the frisbee I’m waiting to catch, by leaving a letter/number comment and win a special prize. The frisbee has been digitally removed by a hoard of rare golden photoshop monkeys.

NB: Special prize may be one of three dead Bonsai threes. Or a half eaten book on how to keep Bonsai trees alive.

UPDATE:
Ok, here the original image.

The answer was D16. Thanks for playing! Alex was the closest with D17. I’ll put you down for an IOU pint.

Party’s over

// August 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // films

Update: This clip wasn’t available at the time but someone put it up recently. Maybe this post will make sense now. A classic scene from 80’s teens.

Remember to floss kids!

// August 5th, 2009 // 8 Comments » // waffle

Not sure this makes for an interesting blog post but it’ll take my mind off it for the next ten minutes. I’ve had the most horrible few days and nights. Started getting a pain in my tooth on Friday. It got worse. Insanely so. It got me up early Saturday and Sunday. I think that’s the last time I slept.

I spent the entirety of last night pacing back and forth, moaning and groaning, trying to distract myself with movies when I could stay still, and the Wii when I couldn’t. I’ve never known such a severe unrelenting pain. I’m pretty sure removing the lower half of my face would be less painful.

I went through three boxes of painkillers over the weekend and they did nothing. I coldnt wait for the long weekend to be over. I got an emergency dentist appointment this morning, or make that yesterday morning if you’ve had a night’s sleep. Half of my mouth has an infection. So antibiotics and hardcore Ponstan are the order of the day, that’s more like it.

But even the Ponstan just take the edge for a little while though. This is fucking crazy insane pain. I can’t sit still or stop grimacing. Yesterday I seemed to develop Tourrettes; randomly shouting, clapping, banging my feet, pulling faces. Anything to try and distract from the pain. And exhaustion.

I thought I’d be out cold tonight not having slept a wink last night. I thought I wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes open. But nope. Here I am again, day 5, in the house of pain, 3:50am, wandering around like a sleep deprived zombie. I’ve already taken two days worth of Ponstan tonight.

Oddly enough, I haven’t been out of work yet. I managed the best part of a day’s work yesterday when I got back from the dentist. The distraction of working, when I could bear it, was as good as any other. Of course I couldn’t handle this if I worked in a regular office and not from a home office. Imagine me in a regular office; walking around grimacing, randomly barking over the pangs of pain and rocking back and forth at my desk. No, that wouldn’t do.

And here’s the thing. I went to the dentist with the exact same complaint 3 years agao, and he referred me to a specialist to have it removed. I was on a waiting list all that time and now I’m back on it! Wtf!? So hopefully the Antibiotics will clear the infection up soon enough (again!).

Well that killed twenty minutes. Might as well publish it. Then I’ll get back to the zombie shuffle. Or I might writhe around the bed for a few more hours wondering if when I can take more Ponstan. Woe is me etc etc…

The Taking of Peckham 123

// July 31st, 2009 // No Comments » // films, photoshop

Smile of a stranger

// July 28th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // waffle, writing

Book in hand I open the front door and the sun burns a smile on to my face. I glance to the left as I lock the door and catch the eye of a guy walking down the terrace path. He’s young, early twenties, not Irish, maybe Polish. I turn to the right and head to the canal for my hour of solace. His footsteps behind me are silent, like mine, the Nike generation.

I cross the road, one turn left, one turn right and I am alone on the street that leads to the canal. As I cross a final road, a guy appears from the right and walks in front of me. He’s young, early twenties, not Irish, maybe Polish. He stops at a door and turns to the right as he inserts the key. He catches my eye and smiles. I smile back, and nod to acknowledge the joke of our mirrored exchange.

He’s younger than I thought I ponder. Give him a few more years and he’ll stop smiling at strangers. Strangers who will easily, and understandably miss such subtleties, and strangers who will think him strange for smiling. But I cherish the moment, and the canal is all the more soothing that day.

Moon

// July 21st, 2009 // 4 Comments » // movies

I got to see a few new releases recently that didn’t involve (kill me, kill me now) talking animals. Here’s my Bruno summary: very funny in places, but a bit too staged in others. I saw it, laughed, left forgot it – but now keep hearing much bullshit on the radio. Surely anyone who saw the Borat movie knew to expect more shock value toilet humour? I can’t believe some of the debates I’ve been hearing on the radio. Missing all the points, guys ‘n gals.

Anyway, I saw moon last night and it’s really quite good. Gorgeous space opera cinematography and perfect set design, you just can’t go wrong with retro-white interiors. The difference between a film that looks great and a film with great special effects is a deep deep chasm.

Moon owes much to the sci-fi classics, particularly 2001: A Space Odyssey but this time’round Hal is called Gerty and sports hilarious Emoticons. Though on the opening scene I was reminded more of Alien and Bladerunner. Dingey, dirty, used. One of the best ideas in the design of Bladerunner is that the future isn’t new, it’s very old, and filthy. Ancient buildings crumbling everywhere. Moon isn’t *that* crumbly – but things you’d expect to be used and scuffed are, unlike those crisp clean space suits you’re used to seeing.

So Moon is taking notes in all the right places. And Sam Rockwell is perfect. I’ve always liked him but he seems to either do bit parts, or stars in films that don’t quite cut it. Great to see him in a role like this.

Here’s something I’ve just realised; I think sci-fi TV and movies can be quite shit in general – yet a lot of my favourite movies are sci-fi, reminding me that the only relevant genres are good and bad. The good sci-fi movies are one’s that are more about the human condition than all that whizz bang rocket blast boof boff bullshit.

I’ve just read one other review of Moon, and they have it nailed on cinematical, and I also agree with their closing line “I can’t quite say I think Moon is knock-me-down, you-gotta-see-this brilliant; at the same time, I can say I’m still thinking about it, and in an age when most big-budget science fiction films are made by people with no respect for science or fiction, it’s a welcome pleasure.“

Rude boy rock

// July 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized, photos

Speaking of things that look like things, I noticed this rock by a stream in St. Annes park recently.

Count me out

// July 10th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // atheism

A friend of mine became a hero when he told me the lengths he went to to officially leave the catholic church years ago. That makes it sound like he was a priest. Nope, the Church still count you as a catholic, regardless of the fact you have since started writing atheist, jew or jedi on your census form.

To be no longer counted as a catholic he had to jump through several hoops, being passed up the ranks from one dog collar to the next and eventually to an archbishop or bishop who told him to come back when he was 16, which he did, and eventually got stricken from the records!

Well now there’s a new web site to make the whole process much easier. Whoever set this up, you’re my new hero;

Count me out.

p.s. Have a think about the notion that they deemed him to young to make that decision at first. The hypocracy is stunning.

Breaking news: stuff that looks like normal people!

// July 9th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

Reports have started coming in of objects that look like regular people. We don’t yet know if it’s some crazy coincidence or just a whole new way of thinking. Jessie Swinson, of Milwalkee US took a bite of her Kit Kat when she suddenly noticed an image of a man with a beard. “I showed it to Jed and said now if that isn’t the spit of Jake from the post office than I don’t like to suck molasses!” – “And you don’t think it looks like Jesus?” we asked. “No no no, it’s Jake alright. Any it’d just be damned stupid to call every image of a bearded man Jesus.”

And in a similar story, Mary Heath-Vehorn bought this watermelon at the Farmer’s Market in Asheville, North Carolina. It wasn’t until she got it home that she noticed her cousin Joshua right there on the melon. “Other people have suggested that it’s Jesus to me but I don’t know I mean I never met this Jesus guy, but cousin Joshua passed on recently, and I think it’s his way of making up for never visiting me.”

Meanwhile, some morons in Limerick, Ireland are congregating around a tree stump that hardly looks like a woman, never mind ‘Our Lady’. Shopkeeper Séamus Hogan says “People have been coming from Kerry and Clare to see this tree, which we believe shows a clear outline of Our Lady,”.

Jesus wept.

It rubs the lotion on its skin

// July 8th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // music, video

I love this. Take some great quotes from a great film for the lyrics, and use the scenes from the film for the music video. I stumbled across this years ago, and just again recently.

Gran Torrino

// July 1st, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized, movies

Gran Torrino – worst movie title in ages. I avoided like swine flu until I realised it wasn’t starring Vin Diesel jumping rooftops in a fast car.

Watched it last weekendand it’s jam packed with all the racial movie cliches you can think of.  Like the all time classic “Racist guy whos’ good guy at heart and not really racist at all” and their was a brieft cameo from “white boy who likes to get down with the homies but is actually a total dork“.

But despite all that I still really enjoyed it, Clint is an especially amusing grumpy old man who had me chuckling away. He breaths some life into a predictable scribe with every cackley rasp.

He still hasn’t bettered Unforgiven by a long mile though. Now THAT is a movie.

Cheeky little fecks

// June 24th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

*Knock knock*

Three young wans: D’you wanna to buy a line mister?

Me: Erm, how much?

Fiver

Fiver!? What’s it for?

Erm – it’s for charidee.

Right, no sorry don’t have a fiver.

D’you have 3 euro?

Let’s see – no actually I don’t seem to have any money at the moment.

LIAR!

*SLAM*

Facebook 419 Scam

// June 23rd, 2009 // 18 Comments » // web

Had a bit of high drama today. My Facebook account got hacked by a scammer. I got an email from Facebook asking me to confirm the change to my email address. I knew straight away I’d been hacked. When I followed the link to cancel the email change, I couldn’t log in to Facebook.

I thought that shit only happened to other people!

While I was scrambling around trying to find the best way of reporting it, The ‘other me’ was busy chatting to all my Facebook friends telling them that I’d been mugged at gunpoint in London and I was compeltely freaked and needed money to pay for my hotel and a flight home.  The funny thing is I never chat, so it took  me a minute to even notice the chat window after I got control of my Facebook again (took about 3 hours after I reported it).

Unfortunately I didn’t think to save all the chat histories straight away, they seem to disappear when people close Facebook. One friend said the scammer got quite aggressive when she asked him how I/he knew her. Another friend sent me an email asking me something unrelated, trying to figure out if the other one was me or not, (sounds like an episode of Star Trek, with two William Shatner’s fighting each other – and you only know the real one by the hammiest acting).

Another friend, who had his suspicions right from the start  sent on his chat which was amusing enough;

hi  Ray

hey john, need help with…?

Yes

I’m stuck in London England

I feel your pain

well…I had a visit to a resort in London and i got mugged

no way

it was so scary and i have been freaked out

where are you now?

I lodged in a hotell but im in a library as we speak

I have contacted the Irish Embassy but they told me to get a flight ticket back to Ireland

the problem now is that the cash i got on me for my return ticket got stolen….

I need your help?

you want me to buy a London to Dublin ticket for you?

Don’t bother about that…you can just have the money sent to me and I’ll sort everything out by myself

you want me to wire you cash?

Yes

Reason…I got to settle the hotel bills and the hotel accept cash for now cos their credit card machine is faulty

so where should I send the money?

alright…you can have it sent to my name and my present location

John Braine….United Kingdom

do I not need more details?

you don’t need more…that is all you need

Do you know any western union outlet nearest to you?

how do I send it, western union or something?

sure…Western Union

I don’t need to give an office number, or anything like that?

you don’t need that

how will I know if it gets to you?

as soon as you have sent the money, they will issue you a confirmation

so you will send me the confirmation and I’ll use it to pick up the money at the western union outlet

cool

okay

Do you know any western union outlet nearest to you?

it will probably be a few hours, I’ll have to go on my lunch

okay

when will you be back? cos i might not be online on FB…

you can just drop me a message via email address

here’s my email address below

jbraine7454@yahoo.com

cool

okay

How much can you afford to loan me?

200 euros?

I need 500 euros…

I promise to return it as soon as im back in town

I think I’ll get a ham sandwich for lunch

Slane, the Facebook verdict

// June 21st, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

This always makes me laugh. Two consecutive & conlicting items in my Facebook feed:

My pet plug

// June 21st, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

My pet plug
, originally uploaded by
jbraine.